Back From the Dead, Yo!

Okay, not really "dead". Mostly just marriage, teaching and childbearing, all of which will take a HUGE chunk of time out of navel-gazing. But I've missed it, so now I'm back.



Hello, navel. How you been?



Anyway enough with the weirdness and on to... other weirdness, I guess. So, to recap:

1: Gipester and I got married in August of 2008. I got knocked up in approx. March of 2009 and


2:gave birth to our first daughter, Diablo Uno (G came up with that... kickass nickname in my opinion) in December of that same year.

3:In November of 2010, we found out that I was pregnant again (another girl, it turns out) and am due in July.



Oh yeah, we also moved out of the condo at some point in there. And we're trying to move again. Because we're going to have TWOOOOOOO KIIIIIIIIIIDS and need some space.

But I'm taking it all in stride.



Actually, that's bullshit. I'm a wreck. I can tell that comes as a shock. You may take a minute to absorb..... Done? Good.

Anyway, the whole point of this post was originally to bemoan the current state of my realtionship with the Gipester. Our sex life has taken a pretty serious hit in the last year or so, and it feels like we are so far out of practice that we may never get back in.
So to speak.
Sorry.


Anyway, I'm left feeling fat and ugly and undesireable (I am not a "glowy" pregnant lady) and more than a little bit embarassed. Then I get angry and hop out of bed at 2:30 in the morning full of righteous indignation ready to cry out the injustice of the patriarchy and biology to the world.


As I did this morning.


Then I opened up Blogger in my browser and realized that G didn't log off his Google account, so instead of my blog, there was his. The one he kept when he was getting divorced.
So I read it.

Not for the first time ever, but for the first time as his wife and as the mother of his children. I read about this sadness and this agony that I was unable to share with him or help him through.


And I remembered some important things about this man, chickens.


The Gipester has the soul of a poet.
He sees the world with the eyes of an artist.
He never gives up on anyone he loves. Ever.


And I love him more than I've ever loved anyone for all of these reasons and for a whole bunch of other ones that only he needs to know.


So, the white-hot flame of righteous indignation has passed, leaving behind only glowing homefires and the words of someone wiser than I:

"And this, too, shall pass."



Peace.

It's good to be back.

You're not the boss of me!

Text message sent to boyfriend: "I'm feeling the urge to get dressed up and be wooed. You should do something about that."
Text received from boyfriend: "How about an early showing of Speed Racer?"

*sigh*

In all fairness, this isn't exactly the way this exchange went down, but for the sake of simplicity I thought I would boil it down to its essence. Sweet D wants to wear a pretty dress and have a romantic dinner, drink a little wine, and have crazy sex. The Gipester wants to see a brightly-colored, seizure-inducing, vaguely homoerotic action flick based on a Japanese cartoon. (Ed. Note: It was actually pretty entertaining).
Since I have made the decision to become a Mrs. once again, I have been wondering about what causes this disconnect.

I thought that the rule with men was, if you want to do something, tell them. Don't expect them to read your mind. If you want to go to the movies, say, "I want to go to the movies." 6 guys out of 10 will say "Okay," simply because they are so relieved that they don't have to have the "I don't know, what do you want to do" conversation. I'm convinced this is how most straight men ended up at the Sex and the City movie...

But then, there's the last 4 guys. They are "the Divorced Guys" or "DGs" for short. DGs are fabulous for the most part. They have been in a committed relationship, they know how they work. They aren't squeamish when it comes time to talk about birth control or menstrual cramps. They have seen it all and for the most part a DG is a great catch. Plus, they make up a huge portion of the dating pool once you get to be about 27 years old.

But here's the thing, DGs don't like to be told what to do.
Ever.
They don't even like to think that you might possibly be telling them what to do.

So, when Sweet D thinks she's saying, "I love you and I want us to spend some romantic couple time together that doesn't involve eating dinner on the couch in my sweatpants." The Gipester hears, "Put on a tie and spend some of your hard-earned money on me. If you don't I will make you suffer. You hear me, bitch? SUFFER!"

So, Speed Racer it is...

Anyway, after the romance vs. action movie thing, I started to notice a very distinct pattern in our conversations. Three moments stick out in my head.

Moment 1: Dinner
G: So, where do you want to have dinner?
D: Give me a couple of options.
G: Chipotle or Noodles and Company.
D: Chipotle sounds good.
G: Let's go to Noodles and Company.
D: Okay.

Moment 2: Movies
G: Which one of the Netflix movies should we watch?
D: I've really been wanting to see movie A. (So sue me, I can't remember the movie titles. That isn't really the point is it?)
G: Let's watch movie B.
D: Okay.

Moment 3: Wedding rings (Ed. Note: He's making these rings, they are going to be fabulous, I have no problem with them whatsoever, but again, that isn't really the point.)
G: So, what do we think? White or yellow gold?
D: They're both beautiful. Hmm. I think I like the white gold better.
G: Let's go with the yellow gold.
D: Okay.

Now, the reason these moments stick out at all is because they all happened within a week or so of each other. Is this struggle of the recently engaged DG to hold on to his independence? Or is he simply a man who prefers pasta to burritos on any given night? I have no idea. That's why I'm asking you.

Have I mentioned this isn't a scientific study? I have pulled all of these theories right out of my ass. But I teach high school and it's summer vacation, what else am I going to do with my time? Sure, I said I was going to write all of my lesson plans, but really. Have you met me?

So, whatever it is, it comes and goes. We haven't had any of these kinds of conversations in the last three weeks or so, but that doesn't keep me from being curious about them, and really wanting to avoid them in the future.

I am a very laid back kind of girl. Where we eat dinner rarely matters to me, unless I'm really craving something (or not, whatever the case may be), if we have more than one Netflix movie, they will both get watched, the order doesn't matter.

Still, there are things I need from time to time. And they matter, even if they seem kind of trivial. How do you communicate your needs, or even just your wants to someone without them feeling dominated by your desires? Hmm.

Any ideas?

Honesty? Honestly.

Hey Chickens!

Are you ready to play a round of "Tell or Don't Tell?" The game where contestants try to decide what's important enough to tell their significant others and what's just irritating.

You can play along at home! The first ones are easy!

1. You backed over the cat with the car. (Tell)
2. You were unable to find the brand of frozen pizza that you had a coupon for, so you bought another brand, that while 25 cents more expensive, is one you've heard good things about. (Don't tell)
3. The ring you got her for Valentine's Day is a cubic zirconia. (Don't tell)
4. Your parents are coming to visit for a week and they think it would be easier for everyone if they just parked their RV on your front lawn. (Tell)
5. Crabs. (Tell)
6. The chicken you cooked for dinner expired in 2006. But it's been frozen the whole time. (Don't tell)
7. Your period was two weeks late, so you took a home preganacy test. It was negative. (Don't tell)
8. The blond chick that works in the cubicle next to you came over and sat on your desk this afternoon and her skirt rode waaaaaay up her thigh. It was hot. (Don't tell)
9. You left the take-home bag from dinner in the trunk of their car. Two days ago. (Tell)
10. An old friend calls and tells you that they are having a hard time supporting your relationship because they're crazy about you and super jealous of your SO. (?????)

So, chickens. What's the answer to 10? Do you tell, because the whole situation makes you uncomfortable (and a little angry) because someone you thought was your friend seems to get off on drama of their own creation and you really need to talk about it?

Or do you not tell, because you don't want your SO to feel threatened or feel like you're trying to make them jealous. Plus, on the off chance your friend can put their shit back together and actually wants to hang out with you again, you don't want things to be uncomfortable.

So, what do we tell the people we love from day to day? Do you share your every thought and every experience? Is that even possible? Is that something we truly want from a partner? At what point does "not telling" become "witholding," "shutting out," and even "lying?"

If the roles were reversed and the Gipester told me an old friend was in love with him, I'd lose my shit. I know I would. I've got what you could call a jealous streak. It's not the Wendy Testaberger "stay away from my man, bitch" jealous streak I had going on in college, but it's still there. I really wouldn't want him to see this person anymore. If G told me he didn't want me to talk to this friend again, I would comply. But that wouldn't happen. I'm in love with a man who was born without the jealousy portion of the brain. Or maybe he feels jealousy and just doesn't tell me. Which takes me back to the issue in the previous paragraph.

So, lots of questions. No answers. What do we tell? What do we hold back? And when does it make a difference?

Anyone?

Anyone?

Bueller?

Bueller?